Ode To My Cell Phone From The Future

Dear 2006 flip phone,

I would like to take this moment to thank you for being so overwhelmingly sleek and trendy while always being at the heart of laughter when you surface from my pocket.

You are a rare gem of cutting edge technology that can only be rivaled by a universal remote, since it serves humanity with distinction. You expanded your jurisdiction to control features that the mind is still incapable of grasping, like texting, taking photos, and constantly searching for a faint signal.

Your sexiness simply astounds me. When I am beginning a conversation and ending one, everyone knows since you make a loud clicking sound and slam shut with the integrity of a brick. Many times I have been with you, in public, proud to show the world the latest and greatest in technology, and people stare in disbelief. I'm pretty sure I am the only person in the world with a phone like you.


You are a smart phone, by the classic definition, not for 3G purposes. Your flashlight application has saved my neck many times in the dark. I still can't believe that you come equipped with a calculator and a two hour battery life!

You bring joy to my conversations. You are timeless. You are even my timepiece. I would wear you on my wrist if it wasn't illegal. (You have not even been released to the public yet). People call me, simply to tell their friends that they had the pleasure of talking to someone with a flip phone, and sure, it hurts my feelings when they call only to do this, but I understand the consequences of being the owner of such an amazing cell phone.

You are the only phone I have ever come in contact with that uses a puppy whimper ring tone when you are set to vibrate. Not because you came in contact with water or anything, but because there's nothing that suggests a subtle alert like a puppy crying.

Zack Morris endorsed you years ago, because he too came in contact with the phone from the future. Blackberries cringe in terror at your very sight and secede to defeat. They simply can not compete with you, flip phone. It is said that when iPhones are in your company, they keel over and die, effectively becoming bricks because your wavelength is overbearing. I will never forget that time I made that universal phone call to the Bulgaria and I carried a conversation with someone in a ruinous apartment, underground and hundreds of miles from a cell tower.

The best thing about you, flip phone from 2006 though, is that when I sit on you, you don't dial dolphin ninjas from outer space. I hate when that happens.

Sincerely,

JJ