Likely Responses To Unlikely Questions

::The following are scenarios that are loosely based on fact::

Infamous Excuses

Question:"Hey, JJ, you didn't come out yesterday. It was fun. What were you doing instead? Watching reruns of 90210?"

Answer:Yes, actually. I was. I was also filing my finger nails, eating Luna bars, writing in my journal, counting calories, scheduling months in advance, shopping for tampons online, and sewing an elaborate quilt adorned with the face of Luke Perry.

Bad Impersonations

A Doctor: Snap! You may have developed skin cancer.

Me: You want to talk to the Macho Man about his skin? Brother, you want to tell the Macho Man that the years of tanning and oiling his body so that each muscle would glisten under the arena light has made him an excellent candidate for skin cancer? The Macho Man has discovered the cure for cancer, and it is being 100 percent macho all the time. And SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! OH-YEAH!

I Swear That Was You

Question: Were you on the back seat of another man's motorcycle the other day? I know it was you JJ.

Answer: Impossible. Unless there are three dudes on a motorbike, or it's a pink scooter with little room for dignity, then it likely wasn't me. Oh - are you sure it wasn't me riding a tandem bike with one of my dudebros? That's simply how hambros roll, brah!

Making A Statement As A Sandwich Artist

Question: Oh - I see. So you're like a starving artist now?

Me: Negative amigo. First of all I work in Subway. Second, this work of mine is called Sunset, though any sense of peacefulness that it conveys is ironic. I think I’ve made it obvious that the rows of roast beef are a satirical comment. The splash of honey mustard between the lettuce and meats explores that middle ground where cosmic destiny and human will collide. I’ve been trying to push myself with new textures and colors. I love the way the meat has a sort of iridescence that dances across its surface like the dusk-red sun atop the stippled sea.

O.C.D. On The Road

Beautiful Girl: It's so fun riding with you in your car JJ!

Me: Get your dirty paws and feet off my dashboard you damn ape or get out of my car.

Being That Guy

Question: Yo, JJ, Why you illin' B?

Me: I feel fine. My temperature is at a healthy 98.6 degrees and I exercise regularly, thank you very much. I suspect your discomfort with me stems from the fact that I am the only white guy in your rap group. Geez K-Pain, relax. Care to play hop-scotch?

Who You Gonna Call

Question: JJ, so who are you gonna drunk dial?

Me: Church. I'm going to drunk dial a church. And I'll ask if they have any peanut butter chicken with mustard bean pie. Do you think nuns answer? I think nuns secretly operate 1-900 numbers. This is the best idea I've ever had!

Washing Away The Guilt

Question: Dude, is that David Hasselhoff over there?

Me: It is. This is the happiest moment of my life. I'm going in closer to touch him.

::I'm taking a massively mini vacation to the deep south, but I'll try to update this blog on the road::