Deep Thoughts About the Deep South

After going on a completely spontaneous road trip through Mississippi, it's only fitting that I consider how Christopher Walken's experience might have been had he been there alongside me. It was a trip without purpose or a destination. It made little sense, but a schizophrenic could easily map it all out.

Conversation Along the Way

Christopher Walken: Mississippi feels like the very first conversation I've ever had. The first time I ever had a real conversation with a woman was in college. I had chatted with girls all through high school. I had exchanged some ideas, but never a full conversation. Then I met Heidi and we started chatting on and off, which was really beneficial and detached.

One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was having my very first conversation. We had quite a few conversations after that, although at first I was insecure about my ability to converse. But then it came naturally to me and I was lasting longer during conversation. I was finally able to satisfy girls' desires to have conversations when I gently stroked serious subject matter with a soft touch. I knew all the right things to talk about to drive a girl crazy. I became a fiend for it. I was enjoying an amazing variety of conversational topics, so I didn't care. And I started conversing with other girls. And then Heidi wished she had never talked to me after that.

Ever since then, it's been short meaningless conversation after the other. And that's what Mississippi is like. A conversation with a beautiful woman who wants you to commit and stay. Don't just drive through. I want to continue this conversation JJ.

Me: Wow. That's quite the analogy. By conversation you're referring to something else, right?

Christopher Walken: No. What else would I possibly be referring to? So anyways, did you know that the question mark is originally from an Egyptian hieroglyph that represents a cat walking away? It's the tail, you know. And that symbol means — well, whatever it is when they're ignoring you. You completely ignored me during our conversation.

Me: Sorry. I was listening, but just didn't catch what you were saying.

Bubble Gum and Fried Chicken

Christopher Walken: You know, I love Mississippi. The people are nice. And they chew bubble gum religiously. I respect that. It means they have something to chew on. It also means they are not sinister and this is because of the gum. I have perfected the art of the bad guy in film and I have never entertained chewing bubble gum because it would devastate any chance I had making you crap your pants in terror.

Me: You always chew gum though.

Christopher Walken: Yes, but are you attempting to make a valid point?

Me: Nope.

Christopher Walken: And this fried chicken thing. I feel if Mark Twain were alive, he'd write a memoir about how overrated it is, since everything in the south is fried. I could tap-dance with any plate of food in the south. But don' tell me something is fact. I take an active disinterest in facts. Chicken Fried Steak is actually beef. This is not a fact. It really depends on how you say it, whether comically, tragically, and in every conceivable ethnic accent. I am terribly tempted to club a baby seal and deep fry it.

Bible Belt and Pants

Christopher Walken: I like suspenders. But being in the bible belt here in the south makes me feel like letting loose and letting my trousers hang down to my ankles.

Me: Why are you taking your pants off in the car?

Christopher Walken: Son, just trust the process. It's not healthy to always wear a belt. Or question your elders for that matter. Sometimes you have to just let loose. Even the Bible belt region. Unbutton the top button, unzip your pants. Have fun. Ahh! Much better. This is what I love about the south.

Me: Can you put your pants back on?

::Christopher Walken blankly stares at me in response to my request, without the slightest hesitation, and he fixes his gaze at me in disgust. He continues this for the next three hours without flinching or looking away::