Open Letter to Party in My Pants

Dear Party in My Pants,

I would be remiss if I didn't take the time to thank you, pants, for being such a gracious host the other night to the swelling throng of people who showed up to my theme party appropriately dubbed, 'In-Control Party: the Summer Edition.'

It was a festival of easy riding, non-debauchery, completely void of excitement, noise or disturbances typically associated with its counterpart parties: 'Outta Control.'

Perhaps it was the DJ? The tranquil sound of ocean waves crashing shorelines with the clamor of humpback whale samples crooning like some mysterious Enya remix certainly got the party crunk. I mean there was little traffic coming through and not much going on, which makes perfect sense for an 'In Control' party.

But then word got out that my party would be holding an impromptu Yoga class and the tables turned. Maybe it was the intense concentration of soy products, hemp, gluten free bread and organic free range thought that got it poppin', because people piled in. Breaking ice was effortless, since it was hot as balls.

Attendees particularly enjoyed the boom-boom room that was completely vacant, dark and left to brainstorm, meditate and pontificate about transcendental things that most people at parties tend to do. Oh - snap, party-goers were so bent out of shape from the warm-up poetry jam session and sleeping dog poses that they felt compelled to get acquainted with their pillows periodically through the night. That's crazy! It was insane, which loosely translates to mean it was completely serene and unruffled by the winds of chaos due to the pure lack of energy and donkey kicking fun.

It could be said that it was getting out of hand (out of control) once it became common knowledge that my pants were featuring five-pockets of fun in the form of lent and old receipts. Hell yes. But we were no longer adhering to my 'In Control' theme, sadly.

Once again, pants, thanks for being so tight around the buttocks, because that made it not only a well-defined party, but an exclusive one that had me turning people away because there was no room.

People were trying to even sneak in because they wanted to take part in mundane activities like stretching, breathing and talking at a library volume. But pants, you were always a step ahead and were tight rolled at the hems to prevent any rogue party-crashers from nearby pants parties from entering.

If it weren't for you pants, I'd be without pants and shit out of luck when it comes to throwing awesome epic parties. Forget basements, music venues, hotels or pools ... throwing parties in your pants is where it's at!

Sincerely,

-- Acid Washed Mayhem

p.s. I'm never taking you off and my cool faded Smarty Pants might get jealous. But those pants don't throw good parties.

The Art of Wasting Time

It's Monday, and that means you're likely miffed at the prospect of ending your weekend and emptily oozing into your workweek with the fluidity of toothpaste remnants being forced and squeezed out.

It's OK, I've got you covered, Brah!

If you're anything like me (which you're not ... unless your name is thrown around social circles with excessive joy) then you're likely taking pleasure in the fine art of wasting time.

Procrastination is a lot like magic. Not the lame type of magic where David Blane announces that he's locking himself in some Ivy League business school for four years and will not leave until he's satisfied all degree requirements for graduation but the kind that mysteriously makes time vanish with no trace.

So prepare to slap yourself with a disappointing line of inquiry that begs the question, 'what happened to the last five minutes of my life?' I will know I was wildly successful at that point.

In Bruce Lee like fashion, Enter the Dragon of awesome snap-kicking procrastination. Enjoy, young-grasshopper-martial-art-time-wasters.

Before my time here at News 8 expires, I will sneak into the girl's bathroom to write a brief ode to squatting and pushup bras and even include my phone number on the bathroom stalls. I don't suggest doing this unless you are a highly dope individual who will not be deterred if girls walk by you and scoff like you're running a seminar on jock itch, but the next best thing is opening the door and flicking the light switch off while people are using it.

That got me through 1 minute of my morning.

I then arrived at my desk and attempted to replicate the cadence of the vulgar melody associated with gaseous emissions. People may refer to this commonly known act of wasting time as "farting around."

In order to satiate my need for guffaws, I grabbed a clip from Flight of the Conchords and laughed out loud. If you fail to chuckle when watching this, scientific evidence points to psychologically disturbing facts that you are attracted to the same sex.



That was an additional two minutes.

Immediately thereafter, I noticed at my desk were many photos of my brooding mug posted EVERYWHERE! placards and mini pics of me were taped to my phone, monitor, headphones, beneath the mouse, over the face of Ms. July on my calendar of burly women firefighters of Austin. It was absurd and sickening.

Some people snagged some pictures of me off a major news site (the photo to the right was not it, but it's on the site too ... sucks being so dope).

They asked me why I was being seen everywhere in Austin. If we consider ubiquitously landing myself in ridiculous situations, then yes, I am a formidable figure in that regard. But more or less, it simply involves strategic social presentation and a knack for being the butt of jokes. (I secretly printed the hordes of pictures myself and posted them around the newsroom to seem semi-important). ha, Yea right ... give me some credit please.

***Please, do not be mislead in thinking I'm not in any way shape or form anything short of devastatingly lame after posting my picture (seen above) to drill a point. No one has a greater level of self-deprecation than I, so I cordially invite everyone to screen print a pastel colored T-shirt that says "Douchebag," urinate on it, and include one of those immature little Valentine cards circa the 5th grade that says "you're cool ... NOT!" and send it to me, please.***

My mind wanders all the time. Even if you are absolutely convinced that you own 100 percent of my undivided attention, I am likely thinking about how non-threatening a bear riding a unicycle and wearing a tutu really seems. But in spirit of general attentiveness, I just completed my first work task this morning. I found some new music to sink my teeth into.

Here's a video Tokyo Police Club's new video from their latest album Elephant Shell. I like this video because it's not everyday you see some indie rock kids playing inside an antique store with lights and lamps everywhere.


Graves - Tokyo Police Club

I absolutely love Broken Social Scene, so when I heard that Brendan Canning was dropping a solo project I wanted to do cart wheels and make sweet passionate love to the air. Brendan Canning makes the case that he might be the guy really responsible for the band's glisten, summoning goose bumps with gossamer strings and arranging rockers that simmer but don't singe. Love it!

Brendan Canning -- "Hit the Wall" (MP3)

I'm feeling this band out of Boston who goes by the name Passion Pit. It's something different and sounds a bit ethereal and a bit badass, with equally awesome synthesizers jaunting out like morning bending sunshine in your face to wake you up.

Passion Pit -- "Sleepyhead" (MP3)

And here's a track from Wolf Parade's latest album. I'm getting excited to see them this weekend.

Wolf Parade -- "Language City" (MP3)

Fleet Foxes are the rare breed of band that makes me embrace folk rock. It's able to revive a timeless sound that makes me want to drink ice tea out of a mason jar on a screen porch and talk about rolling hills, watering holes and lazy nights under the moon.

Fleet Foxes - "Ragged Wood" MP3

And this Austin band (now defunct) needs no introduction. Sound Team. I just really like the idea of them parading through East Austin, detesting gentrification and high rent costs, likely.

#SPLIT 07 - SOUND TEAM - No More Birthdays
by lablogotheque

This is typically how I spend the beginning of my workday: drowning myself in procrastination with Facebook like implications. I will say that I have potentially landed a job with the Houston Chronicle courtesy of Facebook, but that's an entirely separate blog in itself.

It's nearly one hour later now and I have made heroic strides in gussying up zero motivation to take heed of the serious carpal tunnel-like discomfort I've developed from the rampant clicking and surfing. I've managed to proficiently stare blankly at work tasks and deflect responsibility with ease.

How do you do it so well you ask? Or maybe I asked the question ...

In order to consider a certain amount of time as wasted, the primary factor is that there is no personal, spiritual, social or material gain at all. But it's hard to argue that it's not beneficial in learning what the entire cast of The Goonies is up to now.

I'm sort of pathologically leery of admitting to my tendency to procrastinate, considering editors at major publications have easy access to me now through Facebook, (I've been contacted already, no joke) so in light of that, I only procrastinate because I'm so far ahead that I have plenty of down time.

Look at this when you get a chance.

But doing it later is the name of the game.

Conversations of Inverse Proportions

One way to read this blog is as an indictment of nonsense, and the other more preferable way to glaze over every word is while wearing a headband and arm floaties because this blog is like a sweaty pool of dangerously deep banter that will stab your episode of boredom with a blunt object. But -- you should also consider these accessories during your perusal because it's really hot and you're really cool, too.

I recognize that claim as fact because you have voluntarily entered a forum that champions a self-proclaiming level of unrivaled dopeness. But today's blog will be a bit different.

Today, the operative topic meanders aimlessly through exerts of small talk and conversations that will reveal my horribly kept secret: I have a tendency to wear unplugged headphones in public to improve my eavesdropping skills under a stealth ninja-like guise.

Offering Prunes to Mr. T

(Guy walks into Whole Foods bathroom which is under construction, but still operating)

::Looks to left in stall that is missing door and sees Mr. T dropping an unsuspecting deuce::

Guy: Oh my God! You're Mr. T! This is awesome! Wow!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that won't let me take a poo-poo!! Mr. T needs his privacy -- so go handle your business.

Guy: Right ... I'll just close this imaginary door ... sorry. Inappropriate of me.

::Mr. T grunts like a warthog during a prostate exam::

Mr. T: Call the A-Team, I need backup little man.

Guy: Here, take these all natural prunes.

Mr. T: Boy, don't do drugs and stay in school ... and drink MILK! Now get outta here before Mr. T breaks your face.

Here's Mr. T getting mean and experiencing constipation.




Correct vs. Incorrect Use of 'Hot'

Man #1: I was afraid my pants were going to catch fire, not figuratively like she's so hot she's gonna set my loins on fire, but literally, she was a pyromaniac and breathed fire.

Man #2: Like, dude, her breath was so bad she was like a dragon?

Man #1: Naw, she tried to make friction between the sheets, if you know what I'm saying.

Man #2: No, I don't.

Man #1: She busted out candles and burned me, which is so not hot.

Man #2: What did you do?

Man #1: Called your mom and talked dirty to her just to get the cold shoulder.


Lonely Girl at Bar

"My friends used to worry about my bad habit of drinking alone. I'm glad I don't hang out with them anymore."

Pepper Grinder Silence

Waiter: (grinding) Just say when ...

Waiter: (grinding) Sir, just tell me when.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir, let me know when you want me to stop.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir? D- Do you want me to stop? Please just say something.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir? Do you want this much pepper? I’m sorry, I know you’re a patron. I’ll keep going.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir, with every passing second, more pepper is going onto your food… do you understand that? Do you understand what is happening?

Patron: …

Waiter: Is this … are you even going to eat this? The other customers…they- they’re all looking at you.

Patron: …

Waiter: Jesus Christ sir, what are you? Are you a human? Are you an actual human being? Or are you some kind of freak or something? I- I can’t even see the food anymore.

Patron: …

Waiter: Oh my God sir, this isn’t funny … my arm, it’s … oh my God it’s spasming…

Patron: Okay that’s good.


Tricking Guests to Eat Dog Food (side note, this is just a random thought I had from a recipe I was reading).

Blend fresh chicken with diced avocado, scallions, and a dollop of mayonnaise for a canapé topping so delicious that it will take your guests a full minute to realize that they’re eating it off dog biscuits. Once they catch on, act mortified and stammer that you must have “mixed up the boxes,” until everyone calms down. Then start crying because the biscuits remind you that today marks exactly eight weeks since your dog ran away, and you just miss him so much.

Body Language



At a local pretentious music show a man attempts to understand if a girl is into him by analyzing her body language.

The duke of gentle dance: I love this music. Hell yea, man. I'm just gonna tap my right foot and slightly bob my head. I'll play it cool and not really dance.

::Girl wipes beads of sweat from upper lip and exhales in exhaustion from sitting and not dancing::

Duke of gentle dance: Oh - she's so diggin' me. I must continue to dance with more rigorous folk energy. She just got up, that's a sign dude.

::Girl picks up beer bottle and drinks beer::

Duke of gentle dance: She's trying to tell me, indirectly that she wants to drink me, too.

::Girl gets up::

Girl: You suck at dancing. You look like sasquatch in a poncho. You can't even grow a mustache. So stop dancing.

::Girl pulls hair back and walks away::

Duke of gentle dance: She's totally into me.

Class "C" Celebrity

I will mindfully work to refrain from drowning you in irony when writing this bloggidy blog, but it might prove to be a futile effort.

For starters, lets get this out of the way. When I first was hired as a Web Editor/Reporter at News 8 Austin, I was told by my news manager (in jest?) that I would have to get a nose job before I stepped in front of a TV camera. I responded with the most awkward laughter I've ever managed to squeak out.

I don't have a crooked nose, though if NASA scientists were to study and analyze my facial features under a space telescope, they might feel compelled to write uninspired literature about a peculiar asymmetry that you find on Wall Street, or at municipal political conventions ... a slight crookedness. And that's a reeeeeeeaaaaccchhhh too.

I manage the News 8 Web site. I now am in charge of reporting Web sites of interests on TV. I date online ... totally joking about the last part. 0h yea - and I'm Ron Burgandy?

Everyone knows that my pillow acts as my personal stylist and I rock the casual attire with the ferocity of a rabid wolverine. Don't be misled in thinking I'm not surprisingly clean and nice smelling though, there's more to the rugged exterior than meets the eye.

But yesterday, a TV viewer sent this e-mail: "Who is that guy in the Cubs T-shirt? He looks like he just rolled out of bed."

Thank you, viewer, for stating the obvious. My reply to you:

I cordially invite you to consider this highly lucrative proposal. "Feel free to accept it or send it right back. I want to be on you." - Ron Burgandy.



I've always declined to do this little TV segment for the news, but on this glorious day, I wanted to stick it to the man, so I got in front of the camera with my trademark jagged look and gave my best lifeless zombie of a performance manageable.

I will admit I was more stiff than a petrified rock being told by law enforcement to "FREEZE"... No personality on air and I showcased very little conviction in my future in front of cameras. But the idea was to broadcast my brooding mug across Austin for the sake of saying, "I'm Kind of a big deal."

I was sitting at my desk, when I was welcomed by deafening applause by my colleagues. My performance was well received by laughs. A string of explanations failed to quell the abominable on-air presence I portrayed. But it felt good, minus the ring of sweat I produced under my arms during the one-take shoot.

Looking for a brief laugh? ... DISCLAIMER: I laugh at myself with ease, and so should you. BUT, this posting does not in any way shape or form discount my heroic ability to be dope on a consistent basis.

Here you go. Enjoy it.

----> JJ's 15 seconds of fame (shame?)

Savory Sounds For You

I was given the day off today, and given that there are more things going on in my life that will fit in the body of this entry, I'll keep the blog formatted and feed you one topical blog at a time for the next three consecutive days.

Today, you will be briefed by material that will testify my laurels as a blogger and you will likely feel compelled to postulate the mysteries that surround YOUR lackluster ineptitude when it comes to proficiently fishing for decent chicken of the sea (music on the Internet) and you will realize that your music consumption is not as deliciously amazing as my savory palette is accustomed to reeling in.

Disclaimer ... in 5..4..3..2..1 ...

Fret not though, I am humble despite the aforementioned comment and I will share with you some noteworthy tracks getting heavy rotation with me. I also surfed upon Mambo#5 and it wasn't in grave error either. And I'm sure if you had the day off you likely wouldn't devote a good hour to finding music either. So if we were to create a Power Rankings of most douchey and absurd comments, that music snob comment takes the cake at the top!!!!

Everyone has their own preferences, but I enjoy finding new and unique music because I exercise this logic: Rooting for Justin Timberlake is like rooting for Bill Gates to find a $20 bill ... It's not imaginative, courageous or fun. It might be good music, but I'm looking for stuff that's personal, that I can call my own and raise my nose to on occasion when an uniformed person asks "what's this crap?"

Before I drop an unsuspecting play list on your head like an anvil ... understand that if you ever want to know how to ruin a perfectly dull and lame coffee shop experience, consult with good music and thoughtful marination over a hearty cup of Dominican coffee and scan through a to-do list as you make convincing eye-contact with attractive girls in bright colored sun dresses.

No matter what you say, that small formula between the hours of 1 and 3 p.m. worked for me.

It's no secret. White Denim makes good music. Enjoy. It's likely my favorite band out right now. Their highly anticipated album is set to release some time this summer.

White Denim - "Migration Winds"




But what's this link right below you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. If you're a big fan of Menomena (PORTLAND!!) you'll likely take an interest in their side project called, Lackthereof. I'm really liking it and can't wait for their album to drop on July 22.

Lackthereof - "Last November" Mp3


These guys are called the Kiss Off. It's like Hot Chip meets Junior Boys in a lo-lit alley somewhere and they both conspire after the 2 a.m. last call to make sweet passionate love to the late '80s, who was drunk out of her mind, walking home all alone ... and they make lots of bastard children with a dope ass drum pad and synth key-tar!

The Kiss Off - "Amplify"



Wish you had money to download good music? Really good music that's getting more buzz than a bee hive full of vodka and Red Bulls? Peep this Web site. The downloads are free SUCKA!

Free Indie

Hit it hard, with a closed fist. It's seriously good music for free, and it downloads super fast. You can thank me by giving me your first born child.


It's all about finding new stuff, getting rid of the old. I can't stress that enough ... cool little track that shifts midway through.

Dr. Dog - "The Old Days" mp3


Here's the awesome new video for No Age. They're an electronic/experimental outfit out of Los Angeles with an uncanny knack for slightly otherworldly post-punk rock. I'm surprised MTV got a hold of this band ... waka waka.
No Age - "Eraser"

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

The Calgary (that's Canada) band Women are catching my attention lately, mainly because they're working with Chad vanGaalen. You'll love this too.
Women - "Cameras" mp3


And here's Bon Iver playing an impromptu take away show for blogotheque in Paris. I highly recommend Bon Iver.

#93.4 BON IVER - Flume (second take)
by lablogotheque

Ratatat is BACK! And damn I love this track called "Falcon Jab." It's safe to assume all tracks involving animals are amazing. Remember wildcat?

Ratatat - "Falcon Jab" mp3

And for good measure, here's a song by Alias called "Crosswalks" that is also winning some of my attention. It's an epic track.

Alias - "Crosswalks" mp3


So there you have it people. An actual blog embedded with multimedia components, albeit skin and bones, but still interactive nonetheless.