Conversations of Inverse Proportions

One way to read this blog is as an indictment of nonsense, and the other more preferable way to glaze over every word is while wearing a headband and arm floaties because this blog is like a sweaty pool of dangerously deep banter that will stab your episode of boredom with a blunt object. But -- you should also consider these accessories during your perusal because it's really hot and you're really cool, too.

I recognize that claim as fact because you have voluntarily entered a forum that champions a self-proclaiming level of unrivaled dopeness. But today's blog will be a bit different.

Today, the operative topic meanders aimlessly through exerts of small talk and conversations that will reveal my horribly kept secret: I have a tendency to wear unplugged headphones in public to improve my eavesdropping skills under a stealth ninja-like guise.

Offering Prunes to Mr. T

(Guy walks into Whole Foods bathroom which is under construction, but still operating)

::Looks to left in stall that is missing door and sees Mr. T dropping an unsuspecting deuce::

Guy: Oh my God! You're Mr. T! This is awesome! Wow!

Mr. T: I pity the fool that won't let me take a poo-poo!! Mr. T needs his privacy -- so go handle your business.

Guy: Right ... I'll just close this imaginary door ... sorry. Inappropriate of me.

::Mr. T grunts like a warthog during a prostate exam::

Mr. T: Call the A-Team, I need backup little man.

Guy: Here, take these all natural prunes.

Mr. T: Boy, don't do drugs and stay in school ... and drink MILK! Now get outta here before Mr. T breaks your face.

Here's Mr. T getting mean and experiencing constipation.




Correct vs. Incorrect Use of 'Hot'

Man #1: I was afraid my pants were going to catch fire, not figuratively like she's so hot she's gonna set my loins on fire, but literally, she was a pyromaniac and breathed fire.

Man #2: Like, dude, her breath was so bad she was like a dragon?

Man #1: Naw, she tried to make friction between the sheets, if you know what I'm saying.

Man #2: No, I don't.

Man #1: She busted out candles and burned me, which is so not hot.

Man #2: What did you do?

Man #1: Called your mom and talked dirty to her just to get the cold shoulder.


Lonely Girl at Bar

"My friends used to worry about my bad habit of drinking alone. I'm glad I don't hang out with them anymore."

Pepper Grinder Silence

Waiter: (grinding) Just say when ...

Waiter: (grinding) Sir, just tell me when.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir, let me know when you want me to stop.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir? D- Do you want me to stop? Please just say something.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir? Do you want this much pepper? I’m sorry, I know you’re a patron. I’ll keep going.

Patron: …

Waiter: Sir, with every passing second, more pepper is going onto your food… do you understand that? Do you understand what is happening?

Patron: …

Waiter: Is this … are you even going to eat this? The other customers…they- they’re all looking at you.

Patron: …

Waiter: Jesus Christ sir, what are you? Are you a human? Are you an actual human being? Or are you some kind of freak or something? I- I can’t even see the food anymore.

Patron: …

Waiter: Oh my God sir, this isn’t funny … my arm, it’s … oh my God it’s spasming…

Patron: Okay that’s good.


Tricking Guests to Eat Dog Food (side note, this is just a random thought I had from a recipe I was reading).

Blend fresh chicken with diced avocado, scallions, and a dollop of mayonnaise for a canapé topping so delicious that it will take your guests a full minute to realize that they’re eating it off dog biscuits. Once they catch on, act mortified and stammer that you must have “mixed up the boxes,” until everyone calms down. Then start crying because the biscuits remind you that today marks exactly eight weeks since your dog ran away, and you just miss him so much.

Body Language



At a local pretentious music show a man attempts to understand if a girl is into him by analyzing her body language.

The duke of gentle dance: I love this music. Hell yea, man. I'm just gonna tap my right foot and slightly bob my head. I'll play it cool and not really dance.

::Girl wipes beads of sweat from upper lip and exhales in exhaustion from sitting and not dancing::

Duke of gentle dance: Oh - she's so diggin' me. I must continue to dance with more rigorous folk energy. She just got up, that's a sign dude.

::Girl picks up beer bottle and drinks beer::

Duke of gentle dance: She's trying to tell me, indirectly that she wants to drink me, too.

::Girl gets up::

Girl: You suck at dancing. You look like sasquatch in a poncho. You can't even grow a mustache. So stop dancing.

::Girl pulls hair back and walks away::

Duke of gentle dance: She's totally into me.