I opened my laptop, glazed over my agenda for the day with the similar tenacity of hardened gum glued beneath a table, loosening up at a glacial pace. I yawned, inhaled life and choked on the idea of actually putting forth an effort in being productive.
But then this strange thing happened. I gulped 32 ounces of iced coffee in less than 30 seconds. And my life changed for the better. Here's how it went down ...
Everything went blurry.
And then he spoke to me ...
Devastatin' Dave: Yo Yo Yo JJ! It's 1986, look at your Casio watch because it's about that time to get yo butt in gear. Get yo swagger back! Karate chop yo desk wit yo forehead and get outta robot mode! Don't talk at that library volume either, bitch!
Me: Whoa, Devastatin' Dave. Is it really you?
Devastatin' Dave: Fool, it ain't Mr. T! Stop bein' lazy chump. We gonna put yo slow morning into high mutha' lovin' gear! You ready to get thangs done or what?
Me: No. Sorry ... Dave.
::SLAP TO THE FACE::
Me: Owww! Why'd you just slap me Dave?
Devastatin' Dave: Don't ever call me Dave again. It's Devastatin' Dave. And you just drank enough coffee to energize a Soul Train dummy.
Me: You're right! Now that you mention it. I feel like I can do anything. Build a cake! Improvisational theater! Call my bank to complain about fees! Sharpen 7,000 pencils or learn quantum physics backwards! I'm so excited! Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell where ...
Devastatin' Dave: Yo, chill JJ. You gettin' carried away. We gonna start small. First task I have for you is to act a fool. Get loose. Exercise yo facial muscles and gnaw on yo damn fingers while tapping a pen really fast.
Me: Like this?
::Looks barely human::
Devastatin' Dave: Good. Now I want you to grab the attention of someone near you and spark up a conversation about aardvarks and salary. At the same time tackle yo work tasks like you were an NFL linebacker and think about what ya gonna have for lunch. In the same frame of thought, make a doodle drawing and look up the meaning of life online. One second after you start this, interrupt the one-way conversation about aardvarks and introduce lemurs and ice cream. Proceed to download music while making a phone call. It's called multitasking. Embrace it JJ.
Me: Wow! Look! I'm doing it! I'm being productive!
Devastatin' Dave: ZIP! ZAP! RAP! Got you hooked now fool!
Me: I don't know why I never drank coffee like this before!?!? I wonder where I would be today if I had started drinking coffee earlier? It doesn't matter, I live in the now, now! Let's rap about Trapper Keepers!
Devastatin' Dave: Yo JJ, that thing you do in front of the mirror in your room, when you try and rhyme words ... don't ever do that in public.
Me: Yo Bridget! Got this coffee/I feel like Super Mario/Oops I mean Wario/I like jell-o with my pancakes/Hello, with my handshakes/I'm wearing Jordache jean Jamz so rad you think I'm bad/ Not like Michael Jackson/More like Alf sniffing cat poo-poo. Word. Put that in your trapper keeper, fo life! Yo!
::Coffee causes me to write without thinking::
