The Skills I Know (In Crushing Detail)

I'm sitting here, late Saturday night, vying for time as I try to revise my resume before my intense euphoria simmers to a perpetually achy, and regretful, sober afterthought.

That's right, I'm writing a resume, fueled by an unruly buzz from drinking the following: caffeine, fructose syrup, beer, unicorn blood, purple stuff, OJ, and fresh African tap water that contains trace elements of lion's urine.

It's working to poetic proficiency as I glom over the skills and experience section of my resume with a glazed, wry smile that smacks with immaturity. Revisiting what you write is key. And don't tell me writing my resume while operating at a 22% brain power is unwise, because it packs a punch, even if it sometimes sits uneasily in your stomach like a vodka-battery acid mixed drink.

My resume glows in the dark now, while yours likely sits in a boring folder called "Resume" and it will never see the light of day. But hopefully, after reading my career objectives and skills that I will be sharing with you, I might mildly inspire you to spill booze on your hard copy resume, sign it with your left hand and draw penises on it with magenta crayola. It's a riveting experience (boozing and resume-ing) that puts your career in perspective.

Let me back up a little. I'm done. [Sips a tall glass of Spain's finest Estrella Damm]. I'm changing careers and I'm done with journalism. Wise men talk of mountains to climb in life, while dull men speak of plateaus, where they have kicked rocks and milked goats with a complacent ambition. I am of the plateau ilk right now. I once saw a man get kicked in the balls by a goat and it reminded me of that sinking feeling of helplessness. Plateaus will get you nowhere in life, and only goats roam those geographical landscapes.

Let's begin. I must preface this all in saying my buzz has grown exponentially in the several minutes it's taken me to reach this point in writing. Beware of swooping pterodactyls, stray exclamation marks, electric pelvic shakes and unrequited metaphors.

!!!!!!!!! (I warned you).

I'm not sure what career field I'd want to enter, so it's a general resume, specifically outlining my not-so-general skills. I got off to a fast start by opening my resume cover letter with the following explosive sentence:

"I am a skillful medieval swordsman who will take your company to the next level by rolling up my sleeves and flexing my Nintendo Power Glove."

My ultimate genius letter writing skills opens with a "what-the-hell?" uppercut to your jowl. Prospective employers might immediately think I just wasted seven perfectly good seconds of their time, and they might think staring blankly at their desk was an alternative of equal merit.

But check out the following sentence:

"I am interested in employment with your company because I have a licensed Zapper that will terminate rogue ducks."

Before you jump to conclusions, the body of my cover letter contains what I truly have to offer.

"Gaining a Nintendo skill set has taken my career to dizzying heights, whether making non-human faces across cubicles or social notworking on Facebook."

(For those who aren't aware, social notworking, is the practice of spending time unproductively on social-networking Websites, especially when one should be working).

My cover letter further explains how I managed to successfully place co-workers in submissive Indian leg-lock holds and force them to do my work for me while I research Dr. Mario's medical credentials, considering he was a only a plumber.

"I have excellent project management skills that illustrate my leadership ability."

While simultaneously demonstrating a stern responsibility to my craft of writing and researching.

"I think creatively while engaging in dubious thumb war battles despite carpal tunnel syndrome. I am resourceful and never back down from a staring contest with my computer screen. I take all my information from the most credible sources, i.e., Wikipedia, blogs and that giant rat from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

Stop judging me. It gets better.

"My background in ancient Egyptian literature, combined with my familiarity with Sesame Street color schemes will benefit your company greatly. I embrace obese people with a maternal fondness and will successfully retell stories using pace and detail to entertain co-workers on a consistent basis."

Moving on to my resume, my objective reads as such:

"To obtain a job in the performing arts that requires me to thrust my midsection repeatedly, effectively humping the air, while only wearing a lime green bow-tie on stage in a masterpiece theater reenactment of Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers."

Now to the wizard like skills that I can offer.



SKILLS

▪ Effective troubleshooter who uses wax product from hair to creatively solve problems.
▪ Industry experience wasting time conjuring up passive-aggressive compliments stolen from Prince lyrics; pontificating why Karma is being called a bitch.
▪ Reading and writing, plus some arithmetic skills.
▪ Dance Dance Revolution provocateur.
▪ Takes chaos of office and reforms it into a semblance of simple disorder by applying KFC grease to index finger, thumb and rubbing my nipple.
▪ Interprets socially inept language of IT geeks and relays message to normal people.
▪ Reading and writing, plus some arithmetic skills.
▪ Questions others' work with a 6th grade curiosity about the birds and the bees.
▪ Skilled in creating awkward moments during botched power handshakes.
▪ Analyzes information written on bathroom walls; contributes reports.
▪ Capable of selling ordinary items for extraordinary prices on Craig's List.
▪ Sharp eye for details; the other eye, not so sharp and a little lazy.
▪ Skillfully poof fashion trends and redefine company culture with headband attire.

These are my skills. Any idea what market my skill set might be best for me? If so, contact me at jj.mcla@gmail.com. Yes, there's a new playlist at top of this blog and the video below aptly describes what it feels like to camp out on a plateau in life.