::The following counsel is not meant to substitute for professional therapy, the endorphin surge of a long run, prescription drugs, hot bubble baths, yoga, or rolling your car windows up and singing sad love songs::
Dear JJ,
I am in my mid twenties and I am experiencing the quarter-life crisis. I am not the adventurous type, but lately all I want to do is run naked across the city, grow a beard and write a lengthy how-to novel about dance moves for every occasion in life. Any sage advice?
-- Derek in Piedmont
Dear Derek,
It sounds as if you have gone completely existentially limp and the only things that interest you now are activities that swallow any level of maturity you may heave achieved. Is it your intent to recklessly embarrass anyone in your company? Good for you if so.
Your desire to grow a beard is not unlike any other man, especially if during your tenure in growing it you detach yourself from the tether of life's responsibilities and spend all your time watching Kung Fu: The Legend Continues.
Now, Derek, if anyone is going to successfully pen a book about specific dance moves for every occasion in life, it's going to be me, not you, so you can put that puppy to rest. Either way, here are some broad thoughts: Implement a trial and error strategy for finding the most chesty, uninhibited opportunities to expose your most uncalled for desires and run with it. I completely endorse the activity of running in the nude.
Dear JJ,
I just bought a pair of roller blades and I'm not sure what to do now. I mean, I LOVE rollerblading, but how do I tell my parents? I just wanna roller blade and maybe dance afterwards. Help me JJ.
Sincerely,
--Strawberry Swirls
Dear Strawberry Swirls,
Telling your parents that you are gay is never easy. But the first step is realizing it. I suggest just taking notes from a previous client I've helped.
Dear JJ,
What's in my stomach right now?
Sincerely,
--Hungry Hungry Hippo
Dear Hungry Hungry Hippo,
Breath mints and not a damned thing else. I know this because your stomach and I just happen to have a mutual friend. How else would I know this information? This is only an advice column, but I hear your stomach is feeling empty and is unsatisfied with work lately. Too much gastrointestinal buildup can lead to unneeded stress. My unsolicited advice to your stomach is to listen to it, build a deeper relationship with it and never ignore it when it's reaching out to you.
Dear JJ,
I am only happy when I eat. What does this mean?
Sincerely,
--When I walk my thighs look like two seals clapping
Dear When I walk my thighs look like two seals clapping,
I find your name humorous, but please don't think that I'm laughing at your expense. I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror and channel a resolve that is required when eating at a buffet and become reacquainted with that smile that surfaces at the sight of red velvet cake. Embrace your appetite, and welcome the inevitability in becoming morbidly obese. True happiness is found in food.
Dear JJ,
All I want to do is return to the '80s but I'm told there's no reason to go back. Can you shed some light on time traveling?
Respectfully,
--Slap Bracelets Rule!
Dear Slap Bracelets Rule,
It's no surprise that the '80s were spectacular years but I will not validate this inquiry with a response.
Dear JJ,
I am trying to avoid old age at all costs. Any suggestions?
Tom in Los Angeles
Dear Tom,
I am not a big fan of stating the obvious, but plastic surgery is a fine alternative to letting gravity take hold of your face. May I suggest you get an eye lift. Otherwise, if you do not have this procedure done, you will be condemned to the unspeakable state of looking at your age in the mirror every morning.
Dear JJ,
I love bananas, but why is it impossible for me to eat them when I'm in a public place?
-- Fruitless in Seattle
Dear Fruitless,
I suspect your fear of consuming bananas in public areas is a deep rooted insecurity that I am not qualified to answer. Logic would suggest that you consult with someone with a degree in culinary arts.
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