Interview with the Cookie Monster

::The following is a recent conversation I had with the Cookie Monster during a chance encounter at Tiff's Treats::

Me: Yo, whadup Cookie Monster. I didn't know you were real? What are you doing here in the bathroom of Tiff's Treats?

Cookie Monster: ::humph:: {sigh} ....

Me: What's wrong? You look a little down and out. Wanna get something off your chest?

Cookie Monster: Me have problem. Me know. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

Me: What are you talking about bro? You're the Cookie Monster. That's what you do. You eat cookies and you have crooked, zany eyes and you mumble incoherent fragment sentences and drivel cookie crumbs. You're a monster.

Cookie Monster: No. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way. Me hate going back to apartment and can't stand looking me in mirror after cookie binge. Fur always matted with chocolate chip and covered in crumbs. Me try to clean life up, but just can't do it.

Me: Yea. That's because you're a hideous monster. It's cool. We love you for it though. Wanna hug it out homey?

Cookie Monster: Me no understand why me monster?Dracula guy with unhealthy math fetish more monster than me. Me pretty sure he's undead and drinks blood. And Big Bird. Don't get me started on him. He gigantic yellow talking canary. How that not monster? And wooly mammoth very existence monstrous!

Me: Whoa Whoa Whoa. Cooks' chill. I grew up watching you. You inspired me to become the little tub of fat boy lard I was. I even tried to talk like you.

Cookie Monster: Please be quiet. Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

Me: You're being way too hard on yourself. I think you just need to have a cookie and relax. Here {Hands him GIANT M&M cookie} There. See? All better?

::Cookie Monster does that thing where he destroys the cookie with his hands and shoots crumbs everywhere but in his mouth::

Cookie Monster: Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Me: Hell Yea! That's the spirit Cookie Monster! You're so money and you don't even know it. You don't even need cookies. This is a really good cookie though.

Cookie Monster: Give me that! Now! GRRRAAAGH ::chomp chomp chomp:: Who me kidding? Me monster.

Me: Dude. So not cool. You didn't even eat it. You wasted my cookie. You're kind of a mess dude.

Cookie Monster: Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me: You really aren't a monster. All it takes for you to reach happiness is cookies. That's all you want in life. I admire that. And at a very primordial level, I see myself in you. No moderation with the cookies. Veggie Monster would never work. People can't relate to it.

Cookie Monster: 'C' is for cookie and that's good enough for me!

Me: Word! Cookie Monster, I'm glad we had this talk.