The Odyssey of Breakfast: A Pitchfork Review

::Three blogs in just as many days is unheard of, I know. But I'm kinda on a roll (yes, I am actually butter) so I might as well keep it going::

Best New Albums
Pretentious reviews of this week's new album releases pertaining to JJ's breakfast experience at a coffee shop. Since he is alone, and in a coffee shop, he can safely afford to make hyper critical observations that claim unjustified merit.


Produce Aisle Vegetables
Nothing to Write Home About
[Supermarket Records;2009]





Chewing on the Produce Aisle Vegetables latest release is anything but fresh. It's a lot like trashy but savvy brats, where you just want to hit it, quit it, and then spit on it. The limp celery in my omelet doesn't quite mesh well with the rotten tomatoes. It's reminiscent of the empty sonic sound associated with sticking your index finger in your cheek and making that hollow, unsatisfying, childish 'ploop' sound. A disappointing attempt at conceptualizing the marvelous morning by way of a not-so-fresh omelet. Opening track, "Spinach plus artichoke" is ultimately as trifling as refrigerating after opening is essential.


The Sick Thrills
Roller Coasters Are Good Places To Be
[Up and Down Records;2009]




On the title track, of the Sick Thrills' third album, we get a glimpse of true formless songwriting that's ragged, raw and downright thrilling. Themes as bold as French roast, people watching, spilling muffin crumbs on your pants and searching for vacant power outlets are fierce. The album makes sitting in a coffee shop seem energized, whimsical and painstakingly charming. The ups and downs of melancholy and isolated mayhem come alive in a textured homage to flipping your stomach inside-out and vomiting when listening to the "quiet mumble of people chattering" and "yoga moms come here to blog." Sitting with your laptop open becomes exciting, and the Sick Thrills highlight a deft percussion when patrons croon with baristas about the joys of caffeine, which take you to limitless realms of conversation and work productivity.


Gourmet Coffee Snot
The Poetic Sound of Coffee Dripping
[Half & Half Records;2009]





The Poetic Sound of Coffee Dripping is an unheralded work of pompous, appalling and inhumanely possible craftsmanship that lacks craft. Imagine empty notebooks sitting next to uninviting pens, patrons sitting cross-legged, with unlit cigarettes dangling from lips while holding books that never get read and that's not unlike Gourmet Coffee Snot. The album grows massively unqualified and tragic with incredibly nonchalant tracks that lack cogent melody like "Bike-Sexuals, mustaches and neck tattoos." Your skinny pants dreams, ironic T-shirt acceptance and inner 'litster' (hipster + literature nerd) is never really questioned in their latest album. They simply go with the trend. Not cool.


The Random Electric Shuffles
On Repeat
[Heavy Rotation Records;2009]





The Random Electric Shuffles release their latest compilation of music and progress from one song to the next with deft abandon. The term 'apples and oranges' is redefined in this record as Brittney Spears follows Grizzly Bear, who precedes that "I like to MOVE-IT-MOVE-IT!" song in complete incoherency. The order and arrangement of songs will suck the life from you. Comparing hyenas to uranium is the new 'apples and oranges' since apples and oranges are too similar for this dangerously unbalanced album. To make this hellish experience even worse, some tracks are disturbingly played again, and again.


Reading Lazy Rainbows
Taking Care of Business
[Don't Procrastinate for Me Argentina Records;2009]




Moving at a glacial pace when studying, or getting work done in a coffee shop is at the heart of the latest concept album by Reading Lazy Rainbows. Staring at tasks and responsibilities with a crushing indifference becomes paramount, but the sound is too similar to trite Chinese fortune cookies and proverbs. The songs run loops of unmotivated, rickety choruses that run off-beat with knotty-linguistics about Gchat. In the spirit of procrastination, this album was long delayed but I wish it was never created, especially after wasting my morning. The lone highlight of the album is the song "Focus You ADD bastard," belting lyrics like, I text, chat, and surf the Web/I might as well have never left my bed. The album is slightly less mild than the yawn inducing, sloth subject matter itself.


The Chairs
Sucky Posture
[My Neck, My Back Records;2009]





Fussily polished post modern rockers get too fancy and create a disastrous mess that's painful to the ears and the back. There's nothing fans of The Chairs can do but hope that the Swedish IKEA knockoffs disband and regroup after studying the principles of Feng Shui more earnestly. Form sadly shadows function in My Neck, My Back and the music mostly lies limp form the beginning. That tingly, numbing sensation you get in your butt is never a good one. This record is as uncomfortable as it is horrible.


Driving Hard Bargains
The Cost of Living Fast
[Soul For Sale Records;2009]




Forgoing the flimsy sound of their typical catchy loops rife with cash register *cha-chings* and baller bling-bling subject matter, Driving Hard Bargains embraces a new sound that's eerily similar to that of thumbing through wads of cash. It's experimental freak-folk that falls flat on its face, however it's a cheap way to pass the time and grab a reasonably priced bite to eat. But then again, so is McDonalds. Driving Hard Bargains should stick to what they know: down south booty bumping music.

We'll Make You Famous
Forget What You Heard
[Word of Mouth Records;2009]




This follow up to their 2006 debut is packed with thick and gauzy guitars, manic synths and unbelievable buzz. Experiencing this coffee shop is an enhancing trip full of depth and otherworldly, furious instrumental passages that beckons fans of all interests. Tracks like "I Told You It Was Good" shine like malevolent moonlight. We'll Make You Famous finally lives up to their hype, and makes music that does the impossible: loudly exceeds their reputation. It's best to listen to Forget What You Heard with headphones, since you will be forming your own opinion of the coffee shop.