Chew On This For That Dirty Mouth

I woke up at exactly 7:49 a.m. in all my disheveled glory, despite the unruly exhaustion raging unabatedly through every subatomic particle in my being.

My face was glued to my pillow, muscles and bones snapped, stretched and cracked loudly as if a batch of celery were being twisted. I was still wearing my going-out clothes from the previous night and there was evidence that a mysterious black felt tip sharpie had come in contact with the skin on my wrist. Phallic symbol. How funny. Dragons could have been slain at the slightest exhalation of breath.

It's safe to say I was an ungodly hungover of a mess, rife with cheetos cheese dust in my bed and a fresh stench of that devil brew that made Milwaukee famous likely seeping out of my pores.

And then, just as I yawned and sucked some air down, a bent and bizarre thought struck me harder than a devastating kick to the jowl after a Thanksgiving dinner:

"I didn't brush my teeth last night!"

The thought met me with the urgency and immediacy of some inexplicable priority.

I shit you not. Forget the fact that I was teetering on the brink of comatose. I was under the false impression that since I forgot to brush my teeth, it would inevitably lead to a general demise in my day that would leave my million dollar smile riddled with decay and wayward off-white squalor.

Yes, I take pride in my grill, but it was mad weird to scamper to the bathroom and brush my teeth while lacking the wherewithal to even wipe away the ravine of saliva left on my pillow and emptying onto my face.

Operating under the theory that germs are exponentially more potent with time, meaning there's a direct correlation to the degree of badness in how long something remains idle without being rinsed, washed or changed (see 3 second rule) I guess when I'm nursing a hangover it's all that matters under the adage of 'cleanliness is next to Godliness virtue.'

I could be swimming in puppy urine, but as long as I remember to brush my teeth, life's good.

p.s. I'm not really as unhygienic as this post suggests.